Respect Your Parents

I was thinking about a Dar Williams song today that she wrote about her therapist. The line goes something like this, speaking of when she was in a therapy session; “When I hit a rut she says to try the other parent”. It is a great song and tongue in cheek it is quite funny. It seems to ring true about how traditional talk therapy tends to be based on blaming our parents for all of our problems.

There is no doubt that parents do have the biggest influence on our development of self esteem, confidence and sense of worthiness. Things can go a little wrong in a family when parents might be young and overwhelmed with their own dysfunctions that they might not have been as available as they would have liked or maybe got angry a lot. And things can also go VERY wrong in a family when there is abuse, gross neglect and terribly dangerous situations for children. Being abandoned and adopted can also do a number on children’s sense of well being.

Even though parents have this influence on our sense of who we are in the world, when trying to heal from these experiences, the worst possible thing to do is put blame on your parents.

I am not saying that they are not responsible for things that they did or did not do, but holding the stance of “if they could have done better they would have”, is far more healing for those wounds.

One of the most primal survival instincts is to “belong” to your family. One of the biggest wounds that I see in my clients over and over again is a sense of not belonging and then continuing that pattern out in the world with others even outside of the family.

To hold the stance of “blame” when working to heal these wounds only puts more distance between children and their parents. And as long as there is distance between them no one will heal.

A much more useful thing to do on the inside when working with theses things is to look at ALL of what your parents gave you, realizing that they gave you life and they were the only ones who could have done that.

And instead of judging them and what was or wasn’t there…just say a peaceful “ok”.

That’s it, “ok” and notice the resistance that is created by trying to make something in the past be different gets still and quiet.

Then, there is room for healing and not a minute before. Now, I am not suggesting that means you have to make amends in person with abusive parents etc. This is done on the inside of yourself.

I invite you to try it out for yourself. Notice what it is like to blame your parents and hate your childhood and notice how that feels.

Next, look at your parents and all that was and silently and peacefully just say “ok”.

And notice that the tension of resisting what already is, relaxes.

For more information on how NLP and Family Constellations can heal your life quickly please visit my website.

Be well,

Cinthia Dennis.

An Ounce of Prevention – How “The Pill” Inadvertently Changed America

In “Brave New World” Aldous Huxley wrote of a disturbing future in which all the desires of society had become it’s ruin. He described a future in which the irrelevant and trivial ruled, sex was devalued and all was held in place by a tiny pill called “soma”. Though Orwell is commonly appointed as the most referenced visionary in regards to our future ills, it is perhaps Huxley who got it right, and far sooner than anyone imagined. It began in 1960.

A New Era Begins

“The Pill”, at that time known as Enovid, was approved by the FDA on June 23rd, 1960. It’s use spread rapidly throughout the decade, generating enormous social impact and, perhaps, unforeseen consequences. The reasons for its immediate ascension were obvious. It was more effective than most previous reversible methods of birth control, giving women unprecedented control of over their fertility, its use was separate from intercourse (requiring no special preparations), and the choice to take the pill could be made entirely in private.

The immediate benefits to usage were equally apparent. As prescriptions soared, so too did college attendance and graduation rates for women. The newfound ability for women to control fertility without sacrificing sexual relationships allowed them to make long term educational and career plans. Young women poured into the work environment, continuing the initial foray of their mothers before them during WWII. The appearance of women in previously male dominated environments became increasingly prevalent. The world began to change.

Due to the effectiveness of the pill, attitudes and activities in the bedroom were impacted as well. Never before had sexual activity been so removed from reproduction. The debate raged regarding the moral and health consequences of pre-marital sex and promiscuity. For a couple using the pill, no longer was sex purely a means of reproduction, it was now an expression of love or a means of physical pleasure. Or both. In response, The Roman Catholic Church re-emphasized their stance regarding birth control in the 1968 papal encyclical Humanae Vitae, stating, “artificial contraception distorts the nature and purpose of sex.” Despite this proclamation, or perhaps in spite of it, the Sexual Revolution rolled on unrepentantly.

This time period saw too, the rise of “Feminism”. Women now had choices to make and with leaders such as Betty Friedan and Robin Morgan at the forefront of the movement, they had a voice as well. The 1960’s saw unprecedented change sweep across gender lines and attitudes in forms of legislation (Equal Pay Act of 1963), books, organizations, and protests. The 1960’s were a time of love, change, and for many women, freedom. No longer were they bound by the roles of gender and the expectations of society. Finally, women had a say in their role and, overwhelmingly, they were choosing the workplace. But the next two decades would witness a none-too-subtle altering of society and family life.

The Times They are a-Changing

With the much needed equality established, or at least progress being made, the “Swinging 60’s” came to a close. That sexual attitudes and liberation experienced throughout that decade and most of the next, came to a sobering halt in the revelation of AIDS. The party was over, but the change had just begun. First came marriage.

Prior to 1960, the average age of a married couple was in steady decline. This resulted in the male marrying at approximately 25 and the woman at 22. A scant two decades after the introduction of oral contraceptives, those ages had increased to 27 for men and 25 for women. A fairly dramatic shift considering the relative consistency demonstrated over the previous 60 years. As women chose to complete their education and perhaps begin a career first, marriages began later and later. The same cannot be said, however, for childbirth.

Initially, the number of live childbirths in the US declined after the so-called “baby boom” of the 1950’s and, assumption would be, the introduction of “the pill”. The reasons for this are varied. Some would blame society in general, some the economy. Others would point to the prevailing shift in attitudes toward family in general, or specifically, responsibility. Whatever the reason, childbirths did indeed decline, reaching a low-water mark of approximately 3 million in 1975. Since that time, however, we have seen a rapid increase in childbirths, peaking with 2007 realizing a historical high of 4.3 million. More to the point, however, would be the revelation that the same year also brought the unwed childbirth rate to its highest mark at nearly 40%. As one researcher adequately noted, for a variety of reasons it has become acceptable for women to have babies without a husband. Regardless of the attitude, there is a growing trend among all adult women to have children regardless of their marital status. Though women have, for the most part, gained their hard fought independence, and unequivocally should it be so, one must wonder, where have the men gone?

Papa was a Role-ing Stone

The most recent numbers show us that more than 28% of households with children under 18 are single parent homes. Further examination shows us that in 84% of those homes, the mother is the custodial parent. That number too, is reflective of a continuing trend, up from 77% in a span of just 6 years. Whether this is occurring due to a psychological shift in society itself or some other underlying cause would have to be debated on a case-by-case basis. However, we do know that the children of single parent households are generally less exposed to specific, or traditional gender roles. Additionally, Single parenting is strongly associated with an increased risk of a number of negative social, behavioral and emotional outcomes for children. Few would argue this is due to lack of effort, but primarily is a result of the situation itself. The primary caregiver is most often the primary breadwinner as well. This duality obviously and necessarily leads directly to a scenario in which the child must look to a greater variety of outside sources to learn his or her role in society.

Gender roles play a significant part in who we are, how we act, what is deemed acceptable, and how we interact in society today. These roles are established at an early age and the key points are reinforced or defined throughout a child’s life span. Adults perceive and treat female and male infants differently. How they do this is, at least in part, in response to the expectations they were exposed to children. Traditionally, most males would engage the sons in activities involving building, fixing, sporting events, etc. Whereas the mother would prepare the daughter in much the same manner with skills she feels useful in the coming years. Children then receive recognition for quality performance by the respective parent. Additionally, these roles are reinforced by friends and schoolmates in the form of either praise or ridicule.

Unfortunately, it can be confusing for a child growing up without a clear understanding of what is expected of them as a young man, or woman. Often times, a blurring of these gender lines occurs in the absence of the appropriate role model. In our gender identity-based culture, this has never been more prevalent than it is today, nor have the results been more varied.

External social pressures can lead some people to attempt to adapt their persona to one more appropriate for their particular setting while maintaining and entirely different identity in private. Although we have witnessed a rise in social acceptance of “new” gender roles here in the U.S., childhood can still be difficult for these individuals. Although perceived to be different, to a certain degree the same types of traditional gender role adoption can be cited within the homosexual community as within the heterosexual, giving rise to such delineations as “Butch” or “femme”.

What Does It All Mean?

We can never truly discover the root cause for societal shifts either during or after they occur. At best, we can only hope to analyze the information we have, attempt to learn what these behaviors are telling us, and, hopefully, determine where we are going. But, to understand where we are, we must first understand where we started.

In 1920, the 19th Amendment was passed granting women the right to vote. The righting of the obvious injustice, was a watershed moment for American women. Progress had begun in leveling the playing field, but it was slow in coming to say the least. In truth, it would take another significant event to push the cause forward.

The Second World War plays an important role in our tale. As one generation had fought for and won, the right to vote, the next proved equality in a much more personal arena. The workplace. With multitudes of men being called away to active duty, the nation turned to women to fulfill needs in what were typically male dominated industries. This effort, led by figureheads such as “Rosie the Riveter”, served not only to keep the military initiative afloat overseas, but provided a much needed lift to a previously lagging economy here as well. Another, perhaps more subtle, side-effect of this involvement was a boost in confidence to women in general. The gap between the genders narrowed once more. Then the war ended.

As the soldiers returned home and, more specifically, to work they would have found a much different environment than they had left. Some women remained at their new found jobs, but many returned to the roles they had filled prior to WWII as wives and “baby boom” mothers.
As the birthrate skyrocketed to historical highs, the wartime progress they had made and women’s movement in general, was wrapped in swaddling clothes and put to bed beside the next generation of hopefuls.

It’s easy to see, or at least guess at the psychology of the average woman when “The Pill” was unleashed in 1960. After consecutive generations of faltering progress, finally the remaining biological obstacle was lifted from the path of women everywhere. The race to make up for lost time began. What began as a movement, quickly became a stampede, as women everywhere sought to change the balance of power and find a voice wherever they could. Birthrates plummeted as women chose newfound options over the staid paths of yesteryear. For the first time, women were in control of the bedroom as well. Sexual attitudes shifted dramatically as bedroom discussions vanished and procreation gave way to recreation. The fashion world raced to keep up with the rapidly changing population as hemlines climbed and climbed again. The miniskirt was born and men everywhere rejoiced.

“Free love” reigned throughout the land and, for a time, there was joy. Men felt a lifting of burden as culture no longer dictated they be the sole breadwinner. The taboo of sex had all but vanished. Men everywhere had awakened, seemingly overnight to find a simpler, free-spirited, and certainly more erotic world. The long shouldered burden of responsibility was sloughed to the ground in the midst of wine, women, and song. It is at that moment the problems began.

Women, eager in their quest to prove their equality, gladly relieved the opposing sex of whatever burden they wished to toss off. Men for their part were equally willing to part with their load, divesting themselves even of accountability for not only their actions, but more importantly, the future.

Marriages and births happened later, if at all. And, for perhaps the first time, it became socially acceptable for the two to be mutually exclusive. Women who wished to have children, simply made the decision to do so. Single parent households became prevalent. Mothers valiantly soldiered on to work, with baby in tow. They did the best they could to prepare their children for the world and define their roles as they saw them. But the pressures of work and income, prevented mom from being there as much as she would like. Far too often dad is still content with allowing the woman to prove she can do it all.

It is in this manner that a young boy grows up without a true male role model, but instead learns a watered down version of manhood from his mother and a caricature of it from friends and media. He is left to form his own opinions of what a “man” should be, or struggles to do so in time with the misguided, periodic clichés provided by an absentee father. It is in this fashion, that male accountability slinks further and further away.

Meanwhile, a darker consequence comes to bear. As one gender struggles to redefine itself, so too must the other. As women begin to exhibit more dominate traits, some men began to exhibit subordinate ones. Some however, on a more primal level, seek to display openly their dominance. The rise in instances of sexually predatory behavior, spousal abuse, and a multitude of other deviant acts directed toward the female population is clear indicator of this internal struggle.

It is my belief that we are on a downward spiral that continues today. I do believe that the “Pill” or the introduction of it, played a key role in the creation of the psychology of the decade and, to a certain degree, the continued perspectives of today. However, knowing what began a problem and placing blame are two separate things entirely. We cannot change what has occurred. We can only look to the future and begin the arduous work of setting things right. First, we must admit we are to blame. Male and female alike. Men have ceased being the role models they should have been, and struggle to display the once inherent traits. In this absence, women have accepted far too much responsibility in the world today, allowing men to become lazy. Additionally, women have blinded themselves to the simple truth that they need partners in their lives, just as the opposite is true. The simplest truth is this: It is okay to need someone. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. I am certain that we can correct the mistakes of yesterday and make a better tomorrow. The only obstacle that remains is our own arrogance and unwillingness to admit that we have a problem now.

The Childless Scarlet – Healing From Family Violence and Legal Domestic Abuse

Some wounds are so severe that words cannot capture their complete pain. Being pushed out of one’s children’s lives or the lives of your grandchildren is one of these.

When this is yours, the depths of it take your breath away. I hear women tell me the cries that come out of them over their initial coming to know this pain sound primitive…like a wailing animal.

How well I know as I lived that blow nearly a decade ago. And it changed me, as I believe it does to all who walk this path. The question one faces along the way is-How do I go on?

This article can only be written from the place of extending a hand to those in the nightmare, not from the nightmare itself. If you know this wound, if you’re walking this path, trust you can get to the other end of it whole.

Here are some things to do and thoughts to embrace to weather the unbearable.

1) Know that it’s not about you. Now I do realize when you’re in that place of feeling the blow, these words sound trite-especially in light of the fact that the world is supporting it being about you. But, the fact is that it is all about those insisting it be the way it is…and no one else.

2) What you do in and from this place of pain redefines you and your life direction, so make it good. Make it useful. Make it something you will enjoy and you’ll be proud of now and later.

3) Realize that you are not the only one impacted by the primal injury. The children on the other end of this separation from you will have their work cut out for them. And when you reunite with them, should that happen, you will need to pick up from where you are, not where you left off. So again, make it good.

If you are a parent or grandparent denied access to your own flesh and blood, be good to yourself as you heal from the unthinkable. As you are to yourself, so will you be to others. And as you are to others, so will they be unto you.