Healing Domestic Violence by Proxy – How to Love in the Context of an Unhealed Injury

If you and your children are victims of domestic violence by proxy, you know one of the deepest human injuries. It’s a wound to the core of your being. And your greatest challenge in healing this wound is to allow yourself to feel the ache of it in the course of your loving your alienated child…or parent.

Loving and Longing All in One

Have you ever noticed how reunions bring up the good, the bad and the ugly? They trigger the love, the pain, the sweet memories and the nightmare. By the time you get to the encounter, you could be so stressed out from the mixed bag of emotions that you stumble on your own two feet.

Here are some things you can do in preparing to re-connect with your estranged children. If you are an adult child reading this, you may also find value in applying these points as you prepare to meet your alienated parent.

1) Separate the love from the nightmare story.

Even though they feel ever so entangled, the love is not the story and the story is not the love. The primal connection you have with this person is as real and enduring as you allow yourself to know it. It doesn’t ever go away, unless you let it go.

That being said, you hold the keys to rekindling the flame…igniting the natural bond. Now, granted you will find yourself stepping over mounds of memories that send you spinning. Hold compassion for yourself as you tiptoe through the parade of pain, and prepare to step into the place inside that makes your heart sing.

2) Embellish the moment for what it is now,…over what is missing through the lost days, months and years.

You can’t get back what is gone. Impossible! I know you know this. And with that knowing is the understanding that your parent-child cup is not empty. Rather, this cup is filled with mixed emotion and conflicting memories.

If you step into the moment and taste what exists today, you inspire opportunities for mending yourself and your estranged loved one. This can only be done in the present-here and now.

3) Hold the vision of what you seek to create in your relationship with this person.

Life goes in one direction: forward. Move it in the forward direction even when you feel compelled to reflect backward. The relationship you seek to know exists in what is ahead. Cradle the joy of this birth, as you hold the intention of that which you seek with your loved one.

In closing, let yourself feel the blessing before you as you embark upon rebuilding this relationship given to you (not taken away).